Libera nos a malo

Death

2009-12-05T07:06:07Z

I hate you, you know that don't you?
everything thing you say, I remember
everything you do, I regret
everything you are, I am

seeing you there, in that place
why
you're better that that

one day I'll move on, what will you do then?
then who's soul will you haunt?

remove the self
cure the disease

amahurste @ 2009-06-27T01:35:00

2009-06-27T05:40:26Z

holy fuck am I drunk, this is ridiculous, I mean drinking all the time is great and all, but I shouldn't be reaching this level of drunkenness, I can feel how far out of it the alcohol has taken me, only chance is to drink a shit ton of water and hope that I'll be able to sleep through it, what a pain in the ass

Tattoo

2009-06-24T03:17:30Z

I really want to get a tattoo, I'm thinking something small to start with on one of my arms, but eventually I want it to expand into a full sleeve, I just don't know how to start it, that and I want to make sure it's done right, but I guess that's part of the risk of a tattoo

assumptions

2009-06-14T05:05:32Z

but what if I'm right, what then?

goddamn shit storm

2009-06-07T03:37:55Z

mother fuck my life right now, drinking drinking drinking, planning for doctor's visits, and the eternal hellhole that is my job, Walgreen's has lost it's damn mind, it's cut hours to the point that there is only 1 full time technician, I have the most hours after that at 22 a week, what in the hell, never in my life did I expect to have to find a new job because the company I was working for screwed me over, I'm going to wake up early on Monday to make appointments with 2 doctors to hopefully get some of this straightened out, but my job is falling apart despite my best efforts and I can't think of any positive outcome to this situation, which brings me to drinking, god I LOVE drinking, it just puts me in that place, nothing to worry about, a release from consciousness

stereotype: I want to get away from here, I want to go back to Canada or move over to England, I can't stand this anymore, I just want to be happy with my life, I want to be able to enjoy things again, what's it going to take?

amahurste @ 2009-06-03T00:48:00

2009-06-03T04:50:25Z

I'm going to need doctors

drinking pals

2009-05-28T21:51:24Z

I've been thinking and it's been brought to my attention that living has a lot to do with the connections you make with other people, currently speaking, I have none, this is something that irks me, not so much irks me so much as disappoints me, I think I may not be in touch with my true emotions, nor do I feel that I have the ability to convey said emotions, I want to feel

love is a twisted subject
it's so much more than a simple commitment
it's about wanting as much as it is about needing, there's a give and take to it
lean too much in one particular direction and you risk the entire thing
how do we go about finding that medium, that neutral ground?
through understanding and trust? is communication the key?
what if you can't find that in yourself, if you're broken in some way

I see the people around me moving on to new parts of their lives, it's not so much that I feel that I'm being left behind so much as that I never really started, the worst part is that I can't understand how they reached the point at which they are, it's like a puzzle for me, but I'm missing all the pieces, I don't understand how to be me

is it possible for a person to be born without the expectation of happiness?
what's left for them, living from day to day, finding pleasure in the little things?
why bother though? is it something that they can overcome, is there an escape from the monotony?

my life revolves around inescapable questions, always searching for some kind of answer, but the answer is something I have to find for myself, no one can provide me with it, and yet that's where I seek, always the hope that I'll find that person that will illuminate everything, I know where I'd like to start, I haven't talked to her in ages but my mind is constantly drawn to her
I wish I could find out how deep this feeling goes, but I'm a coward, I can't tell her how much I feel, love is a sickening feeling for me

amahurste @ 2009-05-12T00:26:00

2009-05-12T04:27:59Z

it's so frustrating to know that your so much better than what you are and the only one you have to blame is yourself, that's the story of my life so far, I'd really like to change that, but what's it going to take?

give me the news

2009-05-07T08:28:57Z

I think my guts might be falling out, perhaps someone replaced them with fire or various shards of glass, it's so AMAZING, good times for sure

amahurste @ 2009-04-27T02:39:00

2009-04-27T06:39:56Z

more like we'd be better friends if you actually considered me as one

amahurste @ 2009-04-26T02:32:00

2009-04-26T06:40:01Z

I'm not exactly the best judge of this sort of thing, but I'm thinking I might be mentally unstable. Also, when did this chair turn into a god damn roller-coaster? I can't help but wonder when this is all going to click together. I am absolutely obsessed with the fact that I have virtually nothing in common with anyone I've ever met. Humanity is a mystery to me.

so tired of my own bullshit

2009-04-10T06:23:20Z

Easter is quickly approaching, it has absolutely no meaning for me, and yet it does simply for the family aspects of it, I'll be going back to Inverness to pick up my youngest brother so he can spend his spring break with me, while I'm there I could try and round up some of the old cronies and reminisce, the thought of confronting one friends parents comes to mind, I'd really like to shove it in their faces how wrong they are about me, maybe reconnect with friends that were once family, but how much has changed, ultimately though I'd like to see her, I could really use that right now

I see so many things in my head, I see how I want things to play out, but I don't ever act on them, come Sunday I'm going to try, maybe that's the missing piece, it's time for a confession or two, this is going to hurt so much

two days away, hopefully I'll be able to commit to this one

I have this really romantacized version of how it will go, just setting myself up for failure here, but if I could just get this one thing accomplished, oh the possibilities

amahurste @ 2009-04-07T01:22:00

2009-04-07T05:43:01Z

depression really fucking sucks
I don't have any real friends
my life has no purpose, nor will it ever
I need to be more selfless
all I ever think about is myself
if only I could make it right
depression is really a selfish thing to have
maybe that's the real problem with it
it's self perpetuating
Catch 22
only one thing more selfish
only one cure
how do you escape the endless cycle
maybe we're not meant to
oh fuck
oh fuck
there's no point in pursuing anything
can't continue what we're doing though
I do not want me
the meaning of life, that's the real question
currently I see none
maybe this just isn't my thing

fuck it

2009-03-28T04:07:14Z

words could never do this justice, this is something that has to be seen
it's something that's a part of me now

I hope you realize you've stripped me of one of my few remaining outlets, inevitable outcome is named so for a reason

pain is a neurological occurrence

it hurts

jesus fucking christ, it's too appealing to pass up

shit

2009-03-08T21:29:18Z

think I nearly did myself in there, I don't know what would have happened if I would have let myself fall asleep, needless to say I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my day, but drinking may not be a wise decision if I want to avoid pissing off a bunch of people

so drunk

amahurste @ 2009-03-03T14:05:00

2009-03-03T19:07:04Z

I can't wait to get home from work tonight, I'm going to get fucking WASTED, expect phone calls.

amahurste @ 2009-03-01T23:33:00

2009-03-02T04:35:51Z

I used to have friends, I now realize all I have left are people I know, which really isn't that different from people I don't know, there are only two constants in my life, bullshit and alcohol, I'm trying every day to find the balance between the two, but there just might not be enough alcohol in the world to balance this particular equation

amahurste @ 2009-02-28T00:48:00

2009-02-28T05:54:44Z

let me make something absolutely clear, there is no situation in which I would absolutely turn my back to my friends, I may pull some dick maneuvers on occasion, but I would never OUTLAW my friends from my house, because that's just god damn stupid as fuck, yeah, I'm fucking drunk, so god damn what, that's the point I'm trying to make, I may be drunk as fuck, so fucking drunk it's ridiculous and unsafe, but I would NEVER EVER fucking disrespect my friends like that, irregardless of the situation, that is so god damn disrespectful it boggles my fucking mind, but that's just me, and who am I? an alcoholic at best. but then, I'm just an alcoholic, I'm not an asshole, at least when my friends are the one's in question

p.s.- yes, this post is extremely relevant to something you had to be there for

now what?

2009-02-24T05:30:36Z

so it turns out that at some point in time in the last week I developed tonsillitis, which overall wasn't all that bad, spent two hours in the waiting room of the walk-in clinic only to be prescribed antibiotics I already knew I was going to be getting, which made me realize I should probably get some kind of family doctor or whatever if nothing else just to save time

my work is fucking me over pretty hardcore, and the thing that I've realized is that there really isn't anything I can do about it, I mean, at least I still have a good paying job, just expected better from them is all, just further motivation to get my ass going with this school bullshit I guess

I wish I had someone to talk to, god damn it

God Damn

2009-02-12T04:42:45Z

I don't remember the last time I was this fucking sick. I really should have called in sick today, must have looked pretty fucked up. I was running a temperature of 103, kind of like right now. Good news is though my brain doesn't start cooking itself for another 3 degrees or so. Tomorrow's going to be so terrible.

On the bright side I haven't had a drink since I got sick, which has been for 2 weeks now.

amahurste @ 2009-01-28T03:02:00

2009-01-28T08:08:47Z

"I'm taking the cure, so I can be quiet wherever I want"
"I cover my eyes, still all I see is you"

I am dissatisfied with life
forgive me

1 (one)

2009-01-19T05:43:29Z

so I talked to my dad yesterday, he wanted to ask me what I should do about my brother (Carter), he doesn't have a job and is completely unmotivated, which got me to thinking about what the hell is wrong with me and my brothers, but that's beside the point

my father has a tendency to ramble, possibly much more than me, so he started talking to me about all kinds of shit, stuff about the divorce and my mom remarrying, then out of nowhere he tells me that my mom was worried about me being depressed and that she thought I could possibly be suicidal, he then informs me that he doesn't think that's me, he's always thought that I've had a good sense of the world, good head on my shoulders, or some such shit

he's either a genius or has a very distorted idea of who I really am, how am I supposed to respond to something like that? he then proceeds to ask me if I am depressed, and that I would be the one to know, NO SHIT, so either he's trying to trick me into a guilt trip or he really believes the shit he's spewing, he's got me backed into a damned corner, on the one hand I can't admit that shit because he's giving me a vote of confidence, on the other hand I couldn't shut him down like that, couldn't put it on him that he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does, it's not his fault, I'm a secretive mother fucker, always have been, part of my fucked up subconscious, I don't let shit out, part of the "game"

thing is, now I'm really in a fucking bind, he's tied my hands, I can't fucking do anything at this point, only option is to seek psychiatric evaluation in secrecy or simply continue on as is, either way I'm going to have to go back to school and pursue some kind of education, god he's one sneaky god damn bastard

on a side note, I think I might be developing some alcoholic type tendencies, namely I drink every night, and when I go back to make myself another drink, I make the assumption that someone else has been drinking my booze, because I sure as hell don't remember drinking that much, my brother insists that he hasn't had any, but I don't trust anyone so

furthermore, I need to make new friends, there is nothing wrong with the one's I've got, but I can't help but feel like I'm wearing on their last nerve's, I call them all the fucking time at random times, never say much, regardless of what I have to say, maybe it's just me but it seems like I'm inconveniencing them when I do, anyway, that's the way I feel about it, I'm sorry if I'm the guy that you see on your caller I.D. and you just say "oh shit" or just sigh, I never intended to be, but I guess I don't have that many people to talk to when compared to any of the people I know, again, my assumption, but it seems to be true

I guess a thanks is warranted for all those who have taken the time to reply to any of my previous posts, I realize none of them have been very personal or interesting for that matter, from now on I'll try to post things more along these lines, I suppose that means I'm going to be more open about myself, which believe me, is going to be quite the change, but my life is insanely boring, namely because I'm not living it, I'm just letting it pass me by

couple of points to wrap this up
- I suck at writing, sorry if that wasn't formated in the most interesting manner
- personality changes are fucking hard, advice would be appreciated
- I'M DRUNK
- thanks pops

amahurste @ 2009-01-17T03:35:00

2009-01-17T08:35:26Z

ask me

amahurste @ 2009-01-11T00:18:00

2009-01-11T05:22:16Z

depression: I'm thinking this year I might address some issues

I'm drunk, I have to be up in 6 hours to be at work, this doesn't bother me in the least, several other things do though, it'll just run through my mind until I begin the daily rituals, wow, I never really thought about that before, but all I do is ritualize every day that I work, the days when I don't work are the confusing ones, god I need to go to a doctor, what in the hell is wrong with me

I'm in love, but they'll never know

shit, that's so cheesy, but it's true, I'm so tired of my games

I recently went to the emergency room because of a panic attack, I told no one, I feel so alone

honesty hurts

amahurste @ 2009-01-03T05:06:00

2009-01-03T10:07:11Z

god damn it