holy fuck am I drunk, this is ridiculous, I mean drinking all the time is great and all, but I shouldn't be reaching this level of drunkenness, I can feel how far out of it the alcohol has taken me, only chance is to drink a shit ton of water and hope that I'll be able to sleep through it, what a pain in the ass

I really want to get a tattoo, I'm thinking something small to start with on one of my arms, but eventually I want it to expand into a full sleeve, I just don't know how to start it, that and I want to make sure it's done right, but I guess that's part of the risk of a tattoo

but what if I'm right, what then?

mother fuck my life right now, drinking drinking drinking, planning for doctor's visits, and the eternal hellhole that is my job, Walgreen's has lost it's damn mind, it's cut hours to the point that there is only 1 full time technician, I have the most hours after that at 22 a week, what in the hell, never in my life did I expect to have to find a new job because the company I was working for screwed me over, I'm going to wake up early on Monday to make appointments with 2 doctors to hopefully get some of this straightened out, but my job is falling apart despite my best efforts and I can't  think of any positive outcome to this situation, which brings me to drinking, god I LOVE drinking, it just puts me in that place, nothing to worry about, a release from consciousness

stereotype: I want to get away from here, I want to go back to Canada or move over to England, I can't stand this anymore, I just want to be happy with my life, I want to be able to enjoy things again, what's it going to take?

I'm going to need doctors

I've been thinking and it's been brought to my attention that living has a lot to do with the connections you make with other people, currently speaking, I have none, this is something that irks me, not so much irks me so much as disappoints me, I think I may not be in touch with my true emotions, nor do I feel that I have the ability to convey said emotions, I want to feel

love is a twisted subject
it's so much more than a simple commitment
it's about wanting as much as it is about needing, there's a give and take to it
lean too much in one particular direction and you risk the entire thing
how do we go about finding that medium, that neutral ground?
through understanding and trust? is communication the key?
what if you can't find that in yourself, if you're broken in some way

I see the people around me moving on to new parts of their lives, it's not so much that I feel that I'm being left behind so much as that I never really started, the worst part is that I can't understand how they reached the point at which they are, it's like a puzzle for me, but I'm missing all the pieces, I don't understand how to be me

is it possible for a person to be born without the expectation of happiness?
what's left for them, living from day to day, finding pleasure in the little things?
why bother though? is it something that they can overcome, is there an escape from the monotony?

my life revolves around inescapable questions, always searching for some kind of answer, but the answer is something I have to find for myself, no one can provide me with it, and yet that's where I seek, always the hope that I'll find that person that will illuminate everything, I know where I'd like to start, I haven't talked to her in ages but my mind is constantly drawn to her
I wish I could find out  how deep this feeling goes, but I'm a coward, I can't tell her how much I feel, love is a sickening feeling for me

it's so frustrating to know that your so much better than what you are and the only one you have to blame is yourself, that's the story of my life so far, I'd really like to change that, but what's it going to take?

I think my guts might be falling out, perhaps someone replaced them with fire or various shards of glass, it's so AMAZING, good times for sure

more like we'd be better friends if you actually considered me as one

I'm not exactly the best judge of this sort of thing, but I'm thinking I might be mentally unstable. Also, when did this chair turn into a god damn roller-coaster? I can't help but wonder when this is all going to click together. I am absolutely obsessed with the fact that I have virtually nothing in common with anyone I've ever met. Humanity is a mystery to me.